Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I am
going to make it rain until the whole world is covered
with water and all the evil things are destroyed.
But, I want to save a few good people and two of every
living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to
build an ark."
And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the
specifications for the ark.
"OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and
fumbling with the blueprints, "I'm your
Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the
rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked
down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and
there was no ark.
"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "Where is My
ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the
ground right beside Noah
please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I
did my best, but there were some big problems.
First, I had to get a building permit for the ark's
construction, but Your plans did not meet their code.
So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only
to get into a long argument with him about whether to
include a fire sprinkler system.
My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating
zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front
yard, so I had to get a variance from the city
Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the
ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save
the spotted owl. I tried to convince the
environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife
Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but
they wouldn't let me catch them anyway ... so no owls!
Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued
by an animal rights group that objected to me taking
along only two of each kind.
Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me
that I couldn't complete the ark without filling out
an environmental impact statement on Your proposed
flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that
they had no jurisdiction over the Supreme Being.
Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the
proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe!
Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint
with the Equal Opportunities Commission over how many
minorities I'm supposed to hire.
The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am
trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice
from the state that I owe some kind of use tax.
I really don't think I can finish the ark in less than
With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine,
and a rainbow arched across the sky.
Noah looked up
and smiled. "You mean you are not going to
destroy the world?" he asked hopefully.
"No," said the Lord. "The
government already has!"