A sixth grade class is doing some spelling
drills. The teacher
asks Tommy if he can spell BEFORE.'
He stands up and says, "Before, B-E-P-H-O-R."
The teacher says, "No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell
Another little boy stands up and says, "Before,
Again the teacher says, "No, that's wrong."
The teacher asks, "Little Johnny, can you spell
Little Johnny stands up and says, "Before,
"Excellent Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?"
Little Johnny says, "That's easy. Two plus two be
One day, a father was reading his paper, when
came in and said, "Dad, will you take me to the zoo
"No," said his father, "If they want you, they
can come and get you."
did the child study in the airplane ?
wanted a higher education !
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to a
football game for the first time.
After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game.
"Oh, I really liked it," she said, "but I just
couldn't understand why
they were killing each other for 25 cents."
"What on earth do you mean???"
"Well I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then
for the rest of
the game all they kept screaming was:
"Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"
anyone give me the name of a liquid that won't freeze ?
Pupil: Hot water !
FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN....... The day
finally arrives; Forrest Gump
dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St.
himself. However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the
Gatekeeper. St.Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly
good to see you.
We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is
up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for
The tests are short but you have to pass them before you can get
Forest responds, "It shor is good to be here St. Peter, Sir.
But nobody ever
tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too
hard; life was
a big enough test as it was." St. Peter goes on,
"Yes, I know, Forrest, but
the test is only three questions.
|First: What days of the week
begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"
Forrest leaves to think the
questions over. He returns the next day and sees
St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a
think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest says, "Well,the
first one-how many days in the week begin with the letter
"T"? Shucks, that
one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow. The Saint's eyes open
wide and he
exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but...
you do have a
point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you
credit for that
How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many
seconds in a year?" "Now
that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk
about that and I
guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in
name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" Forest
"Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd,
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where
you're going with this, and I
see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but
to give you credit for that one, too.
Let's go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me
name"? "Sure" Forrest replied, "it's
Andy." "Andy?!" exclaimed an
exasperated, frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how
you came up
with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the
you come up with the name of Andy as the first name of God?"
was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt
it from the song.
"ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM
Five year old Becky answered the door when the Census taker
came by. She told the Census taker that her daddy was a doctor
and wasn't home, because he was performing an appendectomy.
"My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big
word for such a
little girl. Do you know what it means?"
"Sure! Fifteen hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include
Q: Why doesn't Hannibal Lector eat people that
work at Texaco?
A: They give him gas.
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